This is an original post by C.Mom.
This post was inspired by the From Left to Write virtual book club, and the book, The Stuff That Never Happened by Maddie Dawson. I received a copy of the book as a participant in the book club. It’s the story of Annabelle and Grant, a young newlywed couple moving cross-country from LA to NYC, where Annabelle has an affair and the couple survives it by making a pact. . .until the pact goes out the window.
The other evening, I was speaking to my daughter on the phone. She asked me the question, that according to her, I should not have known the answer to. But I did. She marveled at how I could possibly know, and I told her that it was because I was a mom, and moms know everything. She did not agree. So I tried telling her that a little birdie told me. She bought the story…
The exchange reminded me that our children see their parents, their teachers, the adults in their lives, as super humans. We do not make mistakes- or should not make mistakes, as far as they are concerned. I remember feeling the same way….as a young woman, I held the adults in my life on a tremendously high pedestal. One that was bound to crumble at some point or another, just as I am sure the pedestal that I sit atop of in my daughter’s mind, will be toppled one day (if it hasn’t already).
As the adult, I now realize that we make choices every day. As a mom, the choices somehow seem to have even more meaning, because not only am I possibly messing up my own life, but also the one of my child.
The problem is…that I am not perfect.
Better put, the reality is that I am not perfect. I cannot strive to be perfect, because it is just not possible. And frankly, my ability to make mistakes and learn from them is something that I hope my daughter sees, and later applies to her own adult life.
Taking care of myself, like I take care of my family…means being honest with myself. Just like it is important for me to keep my emotional state healthy by working out or finding time to relax…. I need to be vigilant about being honest about who I am, admit my imperfections, and move on. I make mistakes. Some of them will be minor, and some will be major – and possibly have repercussions. But I know, more than anything, that I cannot live my life trying to avoid “the bad” or things that could lead to something going awry.
I recently read, The Stuff that Never Happened, by Maddie Dawson as a member of the From Left to Write book club. In it, Grant, one of the characters, said…
“I realized that I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to figure out what could go potentially wrong for this family in every potential situation…. And then it turns out that was a screwy plan in the first place because bad stuff still happened to all of you.”
I want my daughter, to live her life…without worrying every day about the potential pitfalls. Granted, one needs to make choices and think about consequences, but we cannot live our life in fear every day.
And so…I realize. Although I would like to be right all the time, I am not. And although I would like my daughter to look up to me as a perfect parent, a role model to aspire to….I am not perfect. I would rather her see me as a role model for living life, for loving my family, for taking care of me – and therefore her. And then, and only then, will I have been a non perfect “perfect” mom.
xo
So very true.
I am becoming older and realizing I should’ve liked myself more LONG ago.
Sad, how wisdom come too late….
This post reminds me of a book my friends Becky and Hollee wrote titled “Good Enough is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood” (the book comes out next April). http://thenewperfect.com/book
I’m so obviously not perfect and I hope in the eyes of my children that makes me look real.
Alexandra – It’s never too late for Inner Wisdom!
xoxo
Stacey
This post reminded me of this time when I was 10 years old and I asked my mother something and for the first time I recall her saying “I don´t know”. I was shocked. I said: “How come you don´t know this? You know everything, you have to know everything”.
It was right then that I realized that she wasn´t a walking encyclopedia and that was ok. From then on I kept asking her things, but knew I could look for the answers myself. She was still a super-human for me anyway.
Marilia – You made me realize that still at 39, I look at my parents as super human. I realize other parents (of any age) are not super human, but I can give you a very very strong argument explaining why MY parents really really are super human.
I guess you can take me out of the little girl, but you can’t take the little girl out of me.
Stacey
I think that accepting your parents are human and flawed is one of the exchanges you make in adulthood (oh, and therapy!). I’ve started to look at my parents as people, not just parents, BUT I do still expect them to have the answer to everything. Just the other day I called my mom to find out how long I could keep raw chicken in the fridge before it was no good. When she told me to smell it I kind of wanted her to come over to smell it for me. I just figured she has a better nose for these things… And everything else.
Lisa, My inner child is not thinking twice to say “of course, because your mom has super nose power”.