The Longest Day

This is an original post written by contributing writer Lisa Hanneman.

It’s 2 am. I’ve been in bed, mine and then the guest room and now mine again, since midnight. The alarm is set for 4 am. My window of opportunity for sleep is closing and I really need every moment of sleep I can get tonight. I’m talking about outdoor family items on local TV tomorrow. At 6 am.

“I think I’m having an anxiety attack,” I say to my husband, waking him up. (OK, so this is most likely not true. I just know it will get his attention.) But, I’m feeling panicked and underprepared and a tad bit nervous that I’m going to say “um” too much or that my face will look puffy from the lack of sleep.

“Try your yoga breaths,” he whispers without opening his eyes.

“I have. I can’t.” It’s been over a month since I went to yoga, because of stuff like this and work. I usually do yoga on Tuesdays when I work from home, but work has been busy with meetings and reasons I have to be in the office, which means I haven’t been able to go to yoga. My ability to force myself into relaxation no longer exists. I don’t remember what feeling relaxed feels like right now.

My husband takes my hand and talks to me. I sleep for 90 minutes, and then the alarm goes off.

The spot goes well, goes great even. I worried over nothing.

I lost sleep for no reason.

Afterward we take our son to Lincoln Park Zoo for the first time. He loves it, despite the lack of most animals so early in the morning.

After that I’m dropped off at my best friend’s place for the bachelorette party I’m throwing for her. An all day affair that includes a sleepover. I’m one of three moms in attendance. We take a bus to a concert at Alpine Valley and back to the city. Everyone passes out on the way home, it’s around 1:00 am and we have two hours of driving ahead of us.

I stay awake. The bus driver has been working a long day, he’s in his 60’s. He could doze off ever… so… easily….  And then we’d crash and I’m not ready to die. Is this a mom instinct thing?

I move up to the seat behind the driver to let him know I’m awake. And I’m watching his eyes in the mirror, waiting for the first sign of heavy lids. I chat him up, hoping that the conversation will keep me awake as much as him. And it works. My single, non-child having friends sleep like babies and I sit and think of mine. Something tells me to stay awake, let’s call it mom instincts.

We arrive at the hotel after 3 am. It’s been nearly 24 hours since I’ve slept and in the last 48 hours I’ve clocked 90 minutes of sleep. I’m hurting. Past exhaustion, but convinced that the only reason I’m awake is because I’m a mom. I’ve done this level of tired before. Keeping up with my life has become much like keeping up with a newborn.

That day I slipped somewhat effortlessly in and out of my roles of wife, mom, friend, matron of honor… the many versions I am of myself. I stretched myself as thin as I could, it kind of hurt, but it’s another day in the life of a complex mom.

Yoga the following Tuesday felt better than ever, I sweat, relaxed, breathed, and thanked myself for taking advantage of opportunities and staying awake to keep that bus driver company.

Lisa Hanneman strives for balance in a life overbooked by her husband, adorable toddler son, full-time job, friends, home projects, blogging, and busy social calendar.  Most weeks she manages to squeeze in a bikram yoga class with her best friend, but she only manages to get her hair cut once a year.  She dreams about volunteering, staying ahead of the laundry pile and dust bunnies, and a to-do list with only five items on it.  You can find her blogging about life as a rookie parent while laughing at herself on her personal blog, Hannemaniacs.