Make Time for Friendships

This is an original post written by contributing writer Kelly.

Humans are by nature very relational.  From the moment we’re born, we reach out and cry for someone to hold and comfort us.  As we mature physically and emotionally, we are able to meet more of our own needs.  However, there is and always will be a void in our hearts that only others can fill.

As wonderful as my husband is, he can only meet so many of my emotional and relational needs.  I need friends.

Friends don’t just happen.

I’m not talking about people you know, or people that you might chat about the weather with.  Nor am I referring to the woman you see every week at the church nursery and share with.  I am talking about a friend, someone with whom you can share every last detail of how you’re feeling and still know you’re loved.

The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved by Matthew Kelly discusses relationships in depth, yet with a profound sense of simplicity.

Kelly describes how humans yearn for relationships, yet fear them, due to the fact that relationships require self-revelation.  Allowing ourselves to be known can be frightening and risky, surely no one wants to be hurt.

All of this puts us moms in a precarious situation.  How do we find these nourishing relationships?  Where do they begin?  How do we find the time to nurture them?

Potential relationships can happen in a variety of ways.  I met one of my very best friends as I was attending a baby shower across the street from her house.  It was clear that we had at least one thing in common…we were both about 7 months pregnant.

Her toddler was running, buck-naked, around the side of the house as she chased him.  I snickered at the scene across the street, not sure what to think of this woman.  Today, we share a deep level of relational intimacy.  She will still love me no matter how ugly I get.  That was 14 years ago, and the relationship we share today took much time and investment.

Friendships can go through many cycles as time goes on.  The friend I was just referring to now has grandchildren and in-laws.  I am not quite to that point yet.  While I am a close family friend, her life is much more complicated than it was when we met.  While we are closer than ever before, I don’t see her much.  We live about 50 miles apart now.

Yet, I share a small bit of her family with her.  Relationships with her adult children, as well as her in-laws have developed over the years.  I am so proud to know them all, and through them, my friendship with her deepens.

Ways to Find Potential Friends

*  Ask around about playgroups and try to find other moms with like interests.  While commonalities won’t keep relationships in the long term, it’s a great place to start.

*  Church is another great place to meet potential friends.  Sign up to work in the nursery or pre-school classes once a month.  Serving the church is the main objective, but I have formed many friendships this way.

*  Recreational venues are full of kids and moms!  We belong to a small private pool and I just love the relationships I have there.  The families are like-minded in many ways and it’s easy to get to know families.  There has been very little turn-over in terms of membership, so I know I’ll see the same people every year.

*  Get involved in a kid’s clothing sale with some other moms, they are always going on.

How to Get Started

*  Every mom likes to talk about their children.  Strike up a conversation with another mom about their child, something cute they did or said.

*  Another simple conversation starter is noticing a handbag, piece of jewelry or hair-style of someone that you would like to get to know…of course, be complimentary.

Time to Nurture

* Once you establish a bit of common interest, invite the mom out for coffee or a snack sometime.

*  Leave the kids at home!  Try to get to know the mom first. Children have a way of interrupting and making the conversation difficult.

*  Keep your expectations realistic and find out what your new friend’s ‘relational’ limits are.  Does she enjoy talking on the phone or can she find the time?  Will email or IM work better?  Skype is now something I use for long distance, even across town, relationships.  I have to make an appointment of sorts, so that I can block out the time, usually after the kids are in bed.

Friendships are important to our personal growth and it’s important to seek out healthy relationships that will give you a safe place to be yourself, as well as bless another with the gift of you!

Kelly Morris is a wife and mother to 9 children, 6 biological and 3 adopted, living in small town Ohio.  She can often be found blogging, writing, reading, cooking, gardening, digital scrapbooking and drinking good coffee.  Kelly authors “The Morristribe: Creating Balance for Busy Moms” and loves helping other moms find balance in their lives.