This is not the post I had planned for this month. Today something so freeing happened to me today that I decided that it needed to be my post for the month.
Today I said “no” and I didn’t apologize for it.
I was asked to be room parent for my daughter’s class. I looked at the email and reread it several times before I responded. I wanted to say yes. Not because I wanted to do it, because I wanted to please. I have no desire to be a room parent….ever. It was so hard to say no, I was worried that the parent who asked me to do it would be mad at me, disappointed in me or worse, not like me. All totally irrational emotions but the ones that over took my mind as soon as I saw the email.
Why is it so hard for us as moms and women to say no?
What would happen if we said no more often? What if we didn’t say we were sorry each time we said no to something? Would we feel liberated, refreshed, renewed? Would we feel guilty, like a failure that we can’t do it all?
I find that we put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything that is asked of us, that we spend so much time saying yes that we are always saying no to ourselves. No, I can’t sit and read for an hour, I can’t paint alone in my studio that was left abandoned after I became PTO chair. No, I can’t take dance lessons, run, meditate or go get a massage.
After reading the room parent email again, I looked at my husband and said, “ I don’t want to be room parent”. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Then don’t do it”. I carefully crafted my response. I began “I’m sorry”, but I wasn’t sorry. Delete delete delete…..my final response “I can’t, between work, PTO at the boy’s school and Fair Share Chair at the pre school, I can do no more. I am sure someone else will step up and do it”
33 words and liberation. I had said no. The best part, I didn’t feel bad about it. I felt like I had done something for myself.
Can you say no?
How would your life change if you said no to some of that request you are bombarded with daily? Will I be any less of a good mom, involved parent or dedicated supporter of my children’s schools because I said no to being a room parent? Of course not!
I challenge you to say no.
Say no to something that you don’t want to do. Don’t say yes because you are afraid of what the person will think, because you don’t want to disappoint them or because you have put the pressure on yourself to do it all.
Take care of you, say no!
I never did get a response from my email. I am sure that the mom was annoyed that she did not get the yes that she expected. Not because she is not a nice person, she is actually a very lovely woman, but because we are all so trained to say yes, she was probably in shock that I said no.
Maybe it will liberate her to say no to something also!
Rebecca is the mom of 3 children who think it is fun to make her crazy. Married to an incredibly patient and understanding man who is patient with her need for change, trying anything once and compulsive love for purses and sunglasses. A Northern transplant, living in the biggest small town in the South. You can find her writing about the crazy things her kids do at Letters From Crazyville.
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Hi, Rebecca,
Thanks for this entry. You touched on an important issue for me, especially since I know what it’s like to always say “Yes” even though many times I never wanted to. It’s the human need to feel validated or accepted, I suppose, but I always felt like if I said “No,” I wouldn’t be a good person or a generous one. The fact is, I am a good person when I say “No” for the right reasons, such as when I know something will take time or energy away from something else that is of greater importance.
Recently, I said “No” to my nine-to-five job, and I’m glad I did, because now I have said “Yes” to being a hands-on mommy. In my case, saying “No” need not be taken negatively, especially if it opens me up to various opportunities for “Yes.”
Have an awesome day. 🙂
.-= Martine´s last blog ..My Prenatal and Postnatal Figure =-.
I learned, years back, how to say no to the outside world (to people, projects, assignments, etc). My husband would argue that I say No too often.
My challenge is saying no to my to my “inner mean girl”, you know…that inner self-sabotaging voice that tells me to eat more, workout less, and stay up too late. I’m looking forward to doing the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse that starts August 18 to start saying NO more to self-sabotaging thoughts.
It is hard to say no. If I had to give the honest answer, it’d be that my motivator is not wanting to be outdone by anybody. No one can be a better mother, than me.
Isnt’ that the ugly truth.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Less Is More =-.
Thanks for this post! I will take your challenge to say no! I’m so accustomed to making sure the needs of others are met. I’m realizing now that by saying yes to them, I’m sometimes saying no to caring for myself.
.-= Rita´s last blog ..Rest Is Good =-.
Stacey – thanks for this reminder. Many of us have a hard time saying no – but every time we say “yes” we are saying “no” to something (sometimes our sanity!). On the flip side, when we say “yes” to something really important to us (sanity, time with our our family), we are saying no (or should be) to all of the other important, productive, useful, fun things we could be doing. Kudos to you for saying no and leaving room for an enthusiastic YES to something else.
Great post! The other day I said no when I was woken at 6 am and asked to come in two hours earlier than my (already early) scheduled shift. I did feel a little bit bad about it but I said that no, I simply could not, and I didn’t apologize for it later. It was nice.
Awesome!
I learned to be picky last year when I had both kids in elementary school. I said No to the things I really wanted to say No to and YES to those things that I truly wanted to help out with. I didn’t go beyond that either. I spent a lot of time talking to other parents/friends about how if we ALL did a little bit, it wouldn’t fall on one person’s shoulders so much. If we spread out the work we could still have great events and activities at the school but no one would feel so overwhelmed. I’m hoping it didn’t fall on deaf ears and more of them get involved just a little bit.
It is SO liberating to be picky and say No when we feel we should say yes but don’t really want to. Thanks for the reminder!
Wow, I loved reading this post. I say yes to everything, but yesterday I stood my ground and said NO, for the first time. I did not feel brave at all, I felt like I had let somebody down and felt awful, but I said no for the right reasons for me, I was being used and an easy to-go-to person. After reading your post I am feeling proud of standing up and saying no, thankyou for the post it will make my day easier…