As a mommy, blogger, life coach, change management consultant, daughter, student, and friend (I’ll stop here but my list can go on and on) it is difficult to find that essential quality time to spend with my husband. I guarantee that I am not alone.
I am a strong believer in having my marriage be part of my practice of life balance. Because our lives are so busy and because we have two children under the age of six, it is probably the area within my practice of life balance where I struggle the most.
Fortunately my awareness of this imbalance has transformed into action. My husband and I are mindful that at the end of the day it is very easy to be too tired for quality time. Our quality time comes in bursts of seconds and minutes instead of hours and days, but we are mindful and appreciate that our quality time is growing day by day and week by week.
Would you like more quality time for your marriage?
This week I decided to sit down with relationship coach Corey Allan from Simple Marriage. It turns out that we approach life balance and marriage with similar philosophies. As you probably know, I believe putting yourself first is the key ingredient for practicing the art of live balance. Corey believes “learning to take care of yourself more allows for more passion and adventure in marriage.” He goes on to say “when this is done by both members of the relationship, you experience the best in both of you.”
Do I dare state that practicing the art of life balance will improve your marriage? This is very exciting news!
Read the following interview with Corey Allan to learn more…
Hi Corey, thank you for allowing me to interview you. Can you tell me a little more about yourself, how you got interested in relationship/marriage coaching, and why you created SimpleMarriage.net?
I’ve been married to my wife Pam for 16 years this May and we have 2 children ages 2 and 4. My formal training is as a marriage and family therapist and I have worked with a lot of couples in crisis throughout the past 8 years. While I enjoy helping people in crisis, many couples wait too long to seek professional help so by the time they get to my office one or both of them have already given up on the marriage. I ventured into the marriage coaching world in order to assist people in experiencing more in marriage. That’s where SimpleMarriage.net comes in. I believe everyone can get more out of life and marriage. So at my blog you’ll find articles about marriage, relationships, communication, sex, fun, etc.
You write about simplifying marriage. Can you help us understand what it means to have a simple marriage?
The intent of Simple Marriage is to help you keep the important things in focus. We live in a world where the important things can be easily replaced by the immediate. By keeping a focus on what’s important in life, everything seems to fall into place. I believe life is a choice, so is marriage. I can choose what happens in my life and my marriage. That’s the key to experiencing more.
Can you share one tip on how to create a simple marriage?
It all boils down to how you view what goes on in marriage – marriage is designed to help us grow up as people. When you have the right view of things it helps a lot.
For me, life balance means balancing the needs of my inner authentic self with the needs of all of the other things that demand my time, attention, and energy. How do you suggest I balance the needs of my marriage with all of the other things that demand my time, attention, and energy?
If you don’t take care of yourself, you have very little to give to others. The most common thing I see is people who forget to take care of themselves. As for balancing the things in our life, the best thing I can say is to learn the valuable art of saying no. It’s a way to claim things for yourself, your marriage, and your family.
We talk about “putting yourself first”. Would you suggest putting your marriage second? Even before your children?
There are times when you should be first and everything else second. I believe that one of the best things you can do for your children is model a great marriage. They benefit more from this than the focus being on them all the time.
How do you find time to build a passionate and adventurous marriage?
First, it begins with each of us working to build a passionate and adventurous life, both apart and together. By doing this, we have discussed more about each other’s dreams and passions, especially where they align. We believe we are on this journey together and we seek to enjoy the ride along the way.
We’ve also been blessed to have people who love our kids and every so often will take them for a weekend which allows us to have a couple of days together. We also work to be together almost every evening as a family first, then once the kids go to bed, we hang out just the two of us. We also email or talk briefly throughout the day as well as have lunch together at least once during the week. It’s work to make schedules connect but since it’s important to us, we make it happen.
I am a busy mom. Can you suggest ways for busy parents to incorporate passion and adventure into their marriage?
Planning things to do together that you both enjoy provides a couple of things. One it’s a great adventure or activity to enjoy together and second, it gives you both something to look forward to and work towards. The other thing is to find little moments to steal together. Sit at the kitchen table and talk, share a glass of wine, sit outside, take a walk. All of these help you slow down a bit which increases the possibility for more passion.
What other information would you like to tell Create a Balance readers?
Shameless plug warning – I’m releasing a marriage book today designed to assist you in creating and experiencing more in marriage and life. For more information, head over to Simple Marriage. Thanks.
Thank you, Corey, for sharing your thoughts on marriage, passion, and balance. For more tips on experiencing a simple marriage, go to SimpleMarriage.net.
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[…] a working mother of two little boys, I have to admit that my relationship with my husband is not always my priority. I want it to be, but if I’m really honest with myself, I know that […]
Hi Stacey and Corey!
Awesome stuff here! I’m married, and have three kids. It seems like some days are work, run kids in different directions, and sleep. And there’s nothing left. In fact, we just came back from a family vacation a week ago (which was very good for both our marriage, and for our family). And I came home rested and relaxed. And an hour after getting home – we were back at the crazy schedule of daily life. And all part of a week of not only normal stuff happening, but also several one time events in our kids lives. It was like two completely different worlds, with no middle ground – our relaxed vacation life and our hectic family life. So, in this case – our marriage took a backseat to the kid activities. And it did because these were important events. This too shall pass. And I think that’s part of the balance. Some days it might be all about our children. And other days we plan in time for ourselves (in fact, we probably could do some more work on this one – so thank you for that reminder). As our kids are a little older (14,12, 10) – it’s easier nowadays to get away. And that might be a walk through the neighborhood (we do this regularly), or a date night, or a night out with friends.
I like what you’re saying about the focus not always being on the children. Both have to be nurtured – the parent/child relationship and the husband/wife relationship. All part of the balance.
Anyway – short of getting too long here – great post Stacey! And Corey, thanks much for sharing some of your wisdom here today! I’m taking much from this post, and for what I can do to continue to build the strength of the loving marriage I have.
And Stacey – it’s great to “meet” your husband!! Very nice pictures, thanks for sharing them here!!
Have a great week ahead!
Hi Stacey,
Thanks for sharing those beautiful photos and talking so openly about the challenges you face. The interview was very easy to follow, a sign of both a good interviewer and interviewee! I often wonder how I will cope if married. Thanks for this post sharing your real-life experience.
AWESOME POST.
Marriage has been the greatest thing Ive done.
I married late-ish (29) as it took me that long to find someone whom, when with them, I was FARFAR better than I am alone.
Hi, Stacey and Corey. You’ve opened an important topic, one that affects every couple. Whether with children or not, our lives become jam-packed and making time for each other becomes more and more difficult. This is a wonderful reminder that it all started with us, and we need to nurture that foundation for the rest to fall into place. Thank you!
Julie´s last blog post..Renewal
Lance – Thank you for sharing your struggle back from vacation. I know, first hand, that it is not easy to re-adjust back to reality. I agree with you that it is about balance. Finding quality time together is hard, but focusing on it makes it a priority and that will open opportunities to be together.
Daphne – I hope writing openly about my challenges will uplift others that are going through a similar circumstance.
MizFit – Hi! Thanks for stopping by. It’s great to hear how happy you are in your marriage.
Julie – It is an important topic that isn’t talked about a lot. Nurturing the foundation and remembering why you got together in the first place is so important.
It sounds cliche, and I hear it over and over again. Marriage takes work. It takes constant thought and communication. However, I like to think it is a job with benefits.
Really Fly Reals´s last blog post..The Pheasant Tail Nymph
Stacey,
Thanks for sharing this interview with us. I am married with two little boys who demand most of my attention. The danger of babies is that you forget yourself and your partner in this new task. You want to do your best, you are scared, you are dead tired and so everything else comes second. Thankfully things improve with child number two 🙂
Number two being 16 months now, things are pretty much routine every day. Nevertheless it’s still quite an organisation to get couple time off…
Love your sharing your pictures. What a handsome couple you are…
Take care
Mimi
Mindful Mimi´s last blog post..He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed – Albert Einstein
Great interview. Keeping the marriage fresh is possible, even after many years (almost 20 years together in my case), but it takes work and commitment.
Vered – MomGrind´s last blog post..Fear of Rape
Really Fly Reals – Marriage does take work! Cliche or not, it is true.
Mimi – “The danger of babies is that you forget yourself and your partner in this new task.” I see this again and again and again. Before I had my kids I was already committed to not forget myself. Now I need to be sure my marriage is not forgotten too.
Vered – I can hear the passion in your words.
Hi Stacey, finding and keeping balance in marriage is not easy. It takes a great commitment from both couples, moreover if both have their own business.
Thanks for sharing your story, Stacey.
Arswino´s last blog post..The Journey of A Mother
If you don’t manage to find a balance in the marriage it is bound to fall apart sooner or later. And you know kids hate divorces (it doesn’t matter if they’re 8 or 35).
Odzyskiwanie Danych´s last blog post..GetDataBack 3.03
Stacey,
Awesome and fun pictures! I was so trapped with my 4 small children when I was young i couldn’t wait to have alone time with my spouse. Back then (LOL) we had very little money and disposable diapers were very expensive. Especially for the twins.
Instead we decided I’d use cloth diapers and with the money saved we would go out dancing, to dinner or with friends every weekend. It was the best decision we made. We were also both runners at the time so we did that together. When I began rollerblading Roger would ride his bike along side of me.
32 years later he doesn’t run but I do and he rides his bike a couple times of week with me to this day.
I would say one of the main reasons we stayed together for 37 plus years is because we made that commitment.
I had too many children to be able to trade off fairly with another couple but if all else fails I ‘d recommend it to those who can’t afford a child care.
Often couples focus on the children too much when the most important focus is the partner, children are no.2.
Great interview. Corey has an awesome blog and I’d recommend it to all.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog post..Mondays = 1/7 of Your Life
Arswino – It seems the crazier our lives get the more we need to find time to be together.
Odzyskiwanie Danych – Exactly. If you don’t find time, you will drift farther and farther apart from each other. What you focus on expands – so let’s choose to focus on our marriages.
Tess – Thanks for sharing your sweet love story. Your diaper story is a great reminder of making choices to spend time together.
“We live in a world where the important things can be easily replaced by the immediate.” – very well said Stacey. I’m guilty of this as well from time to time.
Joseph Mercola´s last blog post..Be a Healthy Chef – Use Safe Cookware
I like how it all comes down to choice.
Sometimes the difference between wanting something and not wanting something, is simply recognizing whether it’s a choice.
J.D. Meier´s last blog post..Chunk Up Your Phrases for More Effective Writing
You’ve got beautiful pictures. Oh my….you looked breathtaking in your wedding gown! Yes, marriage is a lot of work! When kids come along, life can get pretty chaotic. I know mine has never been the same since. My husband and I make it a point to have dinner dates or movie outings together. It’s important to spend time just the two of us. Yes, marriage is a commitment. You decide that you will stick it out, no matter what happens.
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..From Outer to Inner Space
We have been married for 32 years and have done most everything separately, rather old school. We always kept our self care at the number 1 position. We made a choice to do that. The whole family helped remodel the house, do the chores, and tend the garden. My partner and I do not “play” together. It is only in the last 4 years that we have had much time together without children.
It did not start out that way – those old health issues and having a special needs child – there is a reason many, many couples with special needs children get divorced.
I found I had to give up many things to care for myself and my children and there was no balance because of it. My partner really needed to bike ride and work nearly 24/7 to build his practice and practice his art….
Marriage is very hard work and takes a great deal of communication and more work/effort to figure out all the choices one has to make.
Now we have a recession, we have to build the practice all over again – this is the way it is…this is real….
there is a deep seeded blessing to it….I would have liked more laughter – we are both intense, so that is just wishful thinking…but how fortunate we are to have had this time together and built this good life.
Nice post –
Patricia´s last blog post..Mending Fences
Hi Stacey – Frank and I do a lot of things together, but strangely (perhaps), we haven’t quite got the togetherness versus independent time thing worked out – it seems to be an ongoing task sorting it out. So it is still an issue, even for people who haven’t got kids and jobs.
I really agree that we need to put ourselves first if we are to be of use to anybody! And I LOVED seeing your photos!
Robin´s last blog post..Life And Teaching Of The Masters Of The Far East
Joseph – With so much going on each day, this is an important thing to remember.
J.D. – Yes, a lot of life comes down to choice management.
Evelyn – It is definitely a consensus that marriage is a lot of hard work.
Patricia – It’s great to read your life lessons after 32 years of marriage. Thank you for sharing.
Robin – I liked sharing my photos. What I’m hearing from your comment is that we need to love our selves to be of use to anybody.
After two failed long term relationships, I think I have finally found the secret to a successful relationship. Gratitude and Appreciation. For your partner, and the life you have together. The Lion and I are truly grateful for finding each other, and we really appreciate each other. So, when all those little (not replacing the toilet paper), and not so little things (financial worries) crop up, they never take the thought pattern of “she never replaces the toilet paper; she’s so inconsiderate”, or “he is always so irresponsible with his money”. Instead, you realize that occasionally the toilet paper doesn’t get replaced, so you do it yourself. And by working and planning together there is a way to get through a financial glitch.
Excellent post. Both the Lion and I take care of ourselves first. And importantly, we don’t resent the other person taking care of themselves first. And we make time for each other every single day, even if it’s just for 10 minutes sipping wine on the couch and chatting about our day.
Urban Panther´s last blog post..Putting it into perspective
Urban Panther – The love you share with the Lion sounds magical and it shines through on your blog. Thank you for sharing your relationship advice (gratitude and appreciation).
If you don’t manage to find a balance in the marriage it is bound to fall apart sooner or later. And you know kids hate divorces (it doesn’t matter if they’re 8 or 35).
You describe this post in lovely writing style. I enjoy reading your article. Hope I can visit your blog again. Thanks for sharing for the tips to balance my marriage.
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Thought I would comment and say neat theme, did you code it for yourself? It looks really good!
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