photo credit: Meredith_Farmer
A wise inspiring life coach emailed me the following story. I could not find the original source online but didn’t want that to prevent me from sharing it with you. Contact me if you know the source and I’ll cite it immediately. Update: Someone provided me with a link that cites a similar version of this story.
One day Meher Baba asked his followers: “Why do people shout at each other when they’re angry?”
The followers thought a few moments and one said: “Because we lose our cool that’s why we shout.”
“But why shout when the other person is next to you?” Baba asked. “Isn’t it possible to speak softly? Why do you shout at someone you are angry with?”
The men made some other suggestions but none of them satisfied Baba. Finally he explained: “When two people are angry, their hearts separate from each other a lot. To cover the distance of the separation they have to shout so they can be heard. The angrier they are the louder they have to shout so the other heart can hear over such a distance.”
Baba went on: “What happens when two people fall in love though? They don’t shout, they speak gently, why? Because their hearts are really close so the distance between them is small. When they fall in love even more what happens? They don’t speak, they just whisper and they become even closer in their love. In the end they don’t even need to whisper, all they need to do is look at each other. So that’s how close two people are when they really love each other.”
“So when you argue, don’t let your hearts separate, don’t say things which separate you further. The day will come when the distance is so great that you won’t be able to find the way back.”
I’m guilty of shouting at my husband sometimes when I am angry. I’m human, and yes, sometimes I shout. It saddens me to know that my heart is separating from my husband’s heart when I shout. My intention is to shine my light, but I’m human, and sometimes I shout. I know in my heart, however, that I will always find my way back.
Being angry isn’t fun and it isn’t openly discussed very often. It’s raw and emotional and sometimes exhausting.
Do you shout at the people you love when you are angry? Are you worried that you may not be able to find your way back? If you don’t shout, what are your techniques for getting past the angry moments in your life?
If I’m being shouted at, I tend to withdraw into myself, and try to talk to the person later, after they regain their composure. it’s sometimes hard for me, but it definitely works……………..:)
LisaNewton´s last blog post..Palm Trees, a Famous Bakery, and Mexican Food
Stacey, I love the story about the distance between hearts. I used to shout a lot, but now I tend to just keep quiet when I’m angry until I’m calm enough to talk moderately softly.
It’s so true that when hearts are close, sometimes talking isn’t even necessary. This is a lovely way to think of relationships!
Daphne´s last blog post..Parallel Universes: You May Be Everything You Ever Wanted To Be
That’s a really nice story, thanks for sharing. I did wonder why we shout at each other, I just thought of it as a way to show that we are actually angry / disapproving.
Cheers,
Glen
Glen Allsopp´s last blog post..Visualization: 4 Mind Tricks to Change Your Life
Hi Stacey,
Shouting is one of the things in life I really do dislike very much. I feel torn when I hear it – whether it’s directed toward me or not. And still….I have shouted. And the thing is – another way I think that I shout – is through silence. As in silence when a conversation is needed. It’s like the silence shouts my anger. And I think that’s just as difficult as real shouting.
Lance´s last blog post..Getting The Helm Back When You’re Overwhelmed
What a lovely story about the distance of our hearts in arguments. I can see how this can be true as well, because when the shouting begins, the ugliest part of our psyches come out, and this makes it harder to bounce back from afterwards. I think awareness is key here- be aware that your shouts is like a force pushing that person further away from you.
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Lisa – If I’m being shouted at (or hear shouting) my instinct is to move into fight or flight mode. I’m learning to be still in the moment to respond (instead of react) – to let others understand how I feel when I hear the shouting – but this is not an easy lesson to learn. Fortunately, I don’t hear shouting very often.
Daphne – For me keeping quiet is sometimes easier said than done. I do find that the old rule of counting to ten is still a very valuable technique today.
Glen – I hope shifting our perspective on why we may shout will decrease the amount of shouting in the world.
Lance – Yes, the power of passive shouting (silence) can also separate hearts. This goes back to my fight or flight comment above. I think to respond in a loving way when we are angry is one of life’s greatest lessons.
Jay – I agree awareness is a key component. It is not always easy, but it is critical to manage anger. Being aware helps us shift perspectives and it challenges our self talk. It also helps us respond instead of react to the shouting.
Anger – you are right, it’s a topic not often discussed. Like we’re supposed to hide it. I shout, and have been shouted at…and it always feels awful. I like the story, it provides a great visual.
I have read and believe, anger is a fear based reaction. When I think of times in my life that I’ve experienced anger, typically it is due to fear. That doesn’t make it ok to shout. I think often it comes down to communication. Instead of shouting, I try to be explicit in my communication and start with “I am angry”. It doesn’t always work :-). I find that excusing myself to take a jog or listen to my music a little louder than normal helps shift and release my negative energy.
Stacey Shipman – I think different people release negative energy differently. I suppose the trick is to find what works for you. Listening to music and going for a jog are great ideas. For me, I like to be alone. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I just need to be alone (that is the introvert in me talking).
I rarely raise my voice. But when I do, I know it’s human and temporary so I forgive myself for doing so.
Vered – MomGrind´s last blog post..Pita Bread Recipe: Homemade, Soft and Fabulous
Vered – You are a wise woman for being able to forgive yourself.
Great post Stacey. I think everyone (except maybe the Dalai Lama) shouts or has shouted at their loved ones (and at strangers on the road when driving). I am guilty too. Sometimes I shout at my kids and I hate myself for it. They have the ability of driving me up the wall and I tend to loose my cool. When it gets too much I leave the room, quieten down, move the energy away. It usually helps. But I also usually leave the room a little too late 🙂
As Lance has pointed out, silence (or moping) can be a way of shouting as well. Slightly different but with the same roots.
Mindful Mimi´s last blog post..The next thing to saying a good thing yourself, is to quote one — Ralpho Waldo Emerson
Mimi – I hear what you are saying about your kids. It’s not fun when you feel like you are talking to the walls and feel like a broken record. How many times can you repeat yourself in a nice and loving voice. Ah…the challenges of parenthood.
Hi Stacey. I have raised my voice on occasion, but am very quick to make amends. I think anger is one way that a person deals with feelings that they wished weren’t there. It’s a way of blasting away from that moment and trying to move through that space. I think, as illustrated in the story you shared, when a person is in love, they want to go with and be with that feeling.
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I only shout at my husband. When I was single if a guy shouted at me I would warn them to stop, if they couldn’t I would break up with them. Now when I allow myself to get angry I shout because I need to be heard. As soon as I’m aware of it I try to stop but sometimes it feels like I have to stop talking to do so.
My husband has helped me out a lot, not I am starting to feel like he hears me so I shout less. The key is the connection you have when you are not fighting. If I go into an argument feeling disrespected or unappreciated I’m already amped. My emotions are heightened not because he put his socks on the floor but because I think that he no longer sees me a his intelligent woman who deserves encouragement and free time. If I can see the real issue then I’m already coming from a more vulnerable and loving place. That place allows to listen and trust and to speak softly.
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Davina – Thanks for your interpretation. Since writing this post, I have been trying to say “I fear that…” every time I feel a sense of being angry. This has been allowing me to calmly state my fears instead of pushing away fears I wished weren’t there. Your contribution to this conversation has had an impact on me. Thank you.
Tamara – Welcome to Create a Balance! I can whole heartedly relate to your comment. Thank you for being so honest and candid. My husband is very encouraging and honors my free time. I try to remember these blessings each and every day.
I shout when I am really angry, especially when I am angry with my husband. Sometimes I even surprise myself with my volume. I loved the story above . . . I do think I shout because I feel that I am not being heard, although I never thought about it quite like that before. This post has given me lots to think about.
Hi Stacey
I read somewhere the other day that the display of anger has the most destabilizing effect on people. And I think I agree. It is much more difficult to handle than sadness or depression or grief etc..
It is as if it outbursts stirs all of our energy up. To think any display of anger on my part will have such an effect, makes me want to ensure that I don’t let it become such a wild force.
Juliet
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Great story!! Most definitely, when I am in an argument, I can see how separate I have become. The awareness also makes me realize that I am suffering should I choose to desperately hang on to my ego.
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..How To Get To Enlightenment
Good stuff.
I like the story, especially the contrast between the soft spoken love and the loud anger.
Tony Robbins has an interesting exercise for swapping out your styles under stress with new patterns. It sounds simple, but he really put it in perspective … if you know your main patterns under stress and you can identify them, then you can work on replacing them with patterns you’d prefer.
J.D. Meier´s last blog post..How to Pave a Path Forward
Former Vice Chancellor, APS University, Rewa (MP), India once narrated this story to me which youo have telling here.
I think he added one mre thing to it is that in the end the couple in love do not talk at all from their mounth.
Then Baba asks a question which goes like this:
Do you really think theis couple is not communicating with each other?
Then he answered-Actually maximum communication takes place in “Silence only”.
Actually I asked Prof. J.S. Rathore Uncle that if Meher Baba would have been speaking we could have easiy learnt so many things more.
This narration was an answer to this question.
Jai Baba
Dr. Chandrajiit Singh
Jennifer – You’re right. It right does not feel good when you don’t feel you are being heard. Is it possible to be heard using a quiet gentle voice? I’m working on this.
Juliet – I’m telling myself a similar story. I want to be a light to this world, not a “wild force” that sends negative energy out into the world.
Evelyn – I’m learning that if I state my fear the anger begins to dissolve.
J.D. – That is exactly what I am working on doing. It’s difficult to remember to replace patterns in the moment, but I’m working on it.
Dr. Chandrajiit Singh – Thank you for sharing. When I first heard of Meher Baba’s silence, I thought the same thing. It’s amazing the love and wisdom that can be shared in silence.
Yeah I shout sometimes – not very often, though. I think we shout when we feel powerless. I try to deliberately lower my voice – though if there’s a real issue that can sound pretty awful too!
I’m actually pretty successful these days at getting to the source of potential problems before they get right out of hand – phew!
Robin´s last blog post..The Journey, With Brandon Bays
Here is something else I found Stacey
“Better than a meaningless story of a thousand words
is a single word of deep meaning
which, when heard, produces peace”
I like this one for it’s simplicity.
Hope your week is going well
Vanessa
I rarely raise my voce at my husband now. But in the past – oh yeah!! I think it’s because I know what I can’t change, so don’t go there. And since becoming a mother I am happier in my life roles.
My child, I did shout at her several times when she was toddlering around, which I still feel guilty about. Toddlers can be so so so so so stressful sometimes and we get to the end of our ropes. But I have to go on. It’s gotten much much easier with her. I think “respect” before I am tempted to raise my voice.
Great post idea! Very honest.
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Robin – I was thinking I shout when I feel fearful. Your comment is making me wonder how being fearful and being powerless are connected. Yeah of you for finding the source before it leads to a case of the prickly pears.
Vanessa – I am honored to have you comment on my blog. Thank you for sharing yet another powerful piece of writing.
Jannie – Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that one day I will not shout at my husband and that one day my toddler won’t be a crazy toddler anymore. I’ll miss my little bug being two, but knowing more peaceful days are ahead is comforting to hear.
Have you read Discourses by Avatar Meher Baba. It is also avalable online.
Jai Baba
Dr. Chandrajiit Singh
Dr. Chandrajiit Singh – I have not heard of Discourses. Thank you for the additional resource.