This post was inspired by Kelly at She-Power. Thank you Kelly!
Lance, at The Jungle of Life, recently asked me what my greatest achievement has been in my life. I told him my children are my greatest achievement. My second greatest achievement is keeping hold of my authentic sense of self while raising my children.
I recognize this is not an easy achievement and a little voice inside my head keeps screaming…WHY DO SO MANY AMAZING WOMEN OUT THERE LOSE THEIR SENSE OF SELF WHEN THEY BECOME MOMS?
Using the words from Stacey Shipman’s framework, I exert a lot of awareness, accountability, and action and force myself to keep ahold of my authentic sense of self while raising my two little boys. It do it for my authenic voice’s survival.
If we interviewed moms (with children under the age of 18) in the 1950s and asked if they were embracing their authentic sense of self while also raising their children, I think they would think we were esoteric, insane, and from another planet (Venus).
If we asked the same demographic this same question in the 1970s they would have shouted from the tree tops “We are women hear us roar! We embrace female empowerment and we can do it all”. They would not have been able to answer the question, but would have told us they do it all.
Bettmann-Corbis
What would moms say thirty years later if we ask moms in 2008 if they are embracing their authentic sense of self while also raising their children?
I think today’s moms would tell us they are usually too tired and too overwhelmed to listen and nurture their authentic sense of self.
What Went Wrong?
The women’s empowerment movement worked so hard to provide us with equality. I would not be sitting in front of my computer today, being able to share my opinions with you, if women before me did not stand up and roar for our rights. I get that. I deeply honor and appreciate that.
But It Feels As If Something Went Wrong?
I feel as if without intention moms have taken on an overwhelming multitasking exhausting existance. The pioneers of the 70s couldn’t have foreseen the reality of moms in the 21st century.
They set the course, but didn’t know how to provide us with our own unique strategic plan for how we were supposed to…
- excel in the workplace,
- spend quality time with our children,
- have energy to be emotionally, intellectually, and physcially intimate with our significant others,
- manage our retirement,
- drive our children to where they need to be,
- organize our homes,
- nuture our friendships,
- take care of our health,
- contemplate life,
- create 2-3 healthy meals (plus snacks) on a daily basis,
- live our passions,
- take care of our aging parents,
- volunteer to help those in need,
- and on and on and on and on…..
All while keeping hold of our authentic sense of self.
There. (……………long pause……………………..) I said it.
The poineers before us gave us the freeedom to fly.
Flying is exhausting.
So of course we are exhausted. Why wouldn’t we be?
I have discovered, however, that being exhausted is no excuse for not keeping hold of your authentic sense of self.
We are the Pioneers of Today!
We need to figure out how to remove or decrease the exhaustion.
Otherwise, we need to learn how to live with the exhaustion.
We need to figure out our own unique flight paths and fly anyways!
I’ll be writing more about how I keep ahold of my authentic sense of self while raising my children. In the meantime, I leave you with one of my guiding principles….
Acknowledge that you may be tired. Rest whenever possible. Declare that your exhaustion will not stop you from keeping ahold of your authentic sense of self!
Writing this post was exhausting. I’m off to take a nap.
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Stacey, this was funny and thought provoking and all around brilliant!
Needless to say, I agree with every word. Stumbled!
Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..What If You Could Never Be Rich, But Poverty Didn’t Exist Anymore?
Enjoy your nap Stacey – you’ve earned it! And, you know, tomorrow brings another day of pioneering…
Stay true to yourself.
Lances last blog post..Poverty Close to Home – Blog Action Day 2008
Stacey,
I LOVED that you had a picture of Alice! Do you know how many times I have asked, “Where is Alice when I need her?”
I had my first child in 1977, my second in 1981, my third in 1992 and my fourth in 1997…yes…20 years apart. I WANT ALICE!!!
AND…I want that nap. The quest for authenticity is a long road when it spands decades. It is easy to forget who you are when the tag MOTHER is stamped across your chest for three decades in BIG letters. But you know what? I still love my purple boots and dancing in the rain. Writing keeps me in touch with ME. Thank god for the pen.
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirationss last blog post..Speaking From the Heart
Nice job! The you must do it all at once idea was pervasive when I had my babies 21 and 18 years ago. We damn near killed ourselves trying to have it all. You can have it all, you just can’t have it all at once.
Betsys last blog post..ENERGY
@Vered – Thank you. I was thinking of your feminist spirit as I wrote this post.
@Lance – Yes! I love the idea that we are pioneers. Now we need a theme song. 🙂
@Wendi – I would love to have Alice help me out too. I hate it break it to you, but the woman in the photo is actually Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days. But Alice from the Brady Bunch can cook me dinner any night!
@Betsy – Thanks. I couldn’t imagine raising children 18-21 years ago. We all can learn a lot from you and your experiences.
Great post! Enjoyed it! I also like what you told Lance about your greatest achievements. I’m not sure if many of my girlfriends realize that they lose their sense of self, as soon as they started to have kids. Or whether they had embraced their authentic selves, before they had babies.
It’s great that you acknowledge that you need your rest! I’ve also noticed that not many people dare own up that they take afternoon naps. I wonder why!
I’m no mom–I’m not even a woman, but I know how hard my wife works. And I know it’s exhausting. Ideally, I think of our partnership as a just that. It’s something where we share the daily set of tasks. Granted, I think I’m way more selfish than her and she does way more than I do, but I’m working on creating that balance between us. It’s a difficult thing, because woman can do it all. I just don’t think they should, just as I don’t think men should do it all. I think we’re good at different things and should divide up tasks based on our best skills.
What a great post Stacey!
I can relate in so many ways ….over the years I have learned to say “I need to rest now”. I have learned to nourish my relationship with myself.
Thank you for driving this in with your blog!
Maya’s last post…Born Into Poverty: Blog Action Day 2008
Hit the nail on the head. Mother of two boys under age 5, teacher, blogger, athlete, head of the household…many hats to wear. For sure is it hard to find a balance..when you figure it out, let me know.
Rachels last blog post..Bad Hair Day Fixes
I am a male so, may be I do not understand some of the things that you have talked about. My wife of forty years was a very successful professional till our son was born. After that she became a full time mother and housewife, completely voluntarily, so that she could focus on providing the right background and support for me and our son. She and I look around at many young mothers now going through life as though they are in a daze and find it heart breaking. What changed is something that many of us have answers to but the answers will be politically improper to air.
rummusers last blog post..Declare Emergency In India
I have learned in the last year to admit to myself that sometimes I need to rest and just be. I could easily fill each moment with “doing” but that just isn’t right for me anymore. I try to incorporate who I am as a woman into my role as a mother …….sometimes that means being a friend to my kids instead of the “traditional” mother role but it works for me 😉
Annettes last blog post..Happiness
I agree with Oktober Five and hold up my beer in salute of every working mother. God knows I try and help my wife who also puts in more hours at her job than me; I can’t keep up. I even ask her how she does it. If she remotely gets to find her sense of self with her every other month or so overnight trip to the gambling boats with the girls then I am thrilled for her. It’s all I can do to keep the ship sailing straight and my two teenagers from either killing each other or me while she is gone! CHEERS!!!!!!!!!! To all you moms.
Dave Jones, CPAs last blog post..A Simple Thank You will Suffice
@Evelyn – I see so many women lose their sense of self when they become moms. I want to figure out how I can help them find their sense of self again. I think I’m about to start the Women’s Authentic Sense of Self Movement!
@Oktober Five – Gloria Steinem often states equality won’t happen in the United States until it happens in the home. You are contributing to a powerful evolution of equal rights.
@Maya – So many women don’t say “I need to rest now” – Yeah for Maya!
@Rachel – I’m happy to know you can relate to my post. Sometimes I’m not sure how people will respond to my bold posts (even though the bold ones are my favorite).
@Rummuser – Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’d like to hear more.
@Annette – As I mentioned to Maya, so many women don’t say “I need to rest now” – Yeah for Annette!
@Dave – You are part of the evolution of marriage. Cheers to the husbands, like you, that help moms!
Hi Stacey. I never had children and I’m in awe of mother’s out there who manage to do all this! Hey, how about this perspective. What if you aren’t “really” losing your sense of self, it’s just that each child is a part of you and your sense of self has just moved outwards and expanded.
Davinas last blog post..25 Words That Connect Us — Frosty Sunrise
Hi Stacey – I’m going to be the fly in the ointment here, and say I don’t think people are exhausted because they have kids!
The mothers who agree with you may have had the experience that when they had kids they became tired all the time, for the reasons mentioned by you and the others, but I don’t think that parenthood is the root cause of the problem.
I know many people who don’t have kids who rush around trying to do everything, and make themselves tired and sick in the process, and I know people who have said that having kids was the best thing for them – it kept them “sane”. I have also noticed that people with kids can become more youthful than before, because of the things they do with their kids, and so on.
Many people who have kids think that if they didn’t have them, their life would be like it was before they had them. They forget that their issues still would have come up – they do for everyone.
I think that the bottom line is that we get ourselves into the circumstances in life where we will grow the most – for some that will include parenthood, and for others it won’t. All the circumstances are tricky – saying it’s “having kids” that is making anyone tired is just trying to put the cause of our problems outside ourselves (and I realise this is what you are saying in your post).
Best of luck to you and the other parents with working through these issues! (I love the way you are acknowledging your tiredness and resting.)
Robins last blog post..Galaxy For Blog Action
I struggle with this on a daily basis, and I do give in to the “I’m just too tired.” I always think that I will find my true self tomorrow — after I have had just one really good night’s sleep. But then I don’t go to bed because I have all of these other things that I “have” to do — laundry, dishes, making lunch, etc. etc. So I am tired the next day . . . and the vicious cycle continues. I stayed home with my daughter for two years, and have only been a full-time working mom for six weeks, but the funny thing is that I felt this way the entire time I was on leave, too. Even when I wasn’t working I always found tasks that filled my time, and I could never let myself put myself first for a moment. It makes me wonder if I am unconsciously trying to prevent myself from finding out who I really am. It is frustrating. I really enjoyed your post, and it most definitely gave me food for thought.
Stacey…
Great post! I know that my wife has worn many hats for the last fifteen years. She has done a wonderful job as a mother, wife, and worker. She has lost touch with her inner self though. We have gone through some tough times, and are both in the process of rediscovering ourselves. This just reminds us that balance is of utmost importance.
Hope you had a nice nap…
Brian
Wow Stacey,
That was a fantastic post — deals with an issue so close to me, too, as we have two little kids.
I sent it to to my wife using Share This for the first time. 😉
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..Blog Action Day: Abundance
What a coincidence! This morning, I found this news item which stresses on achieving a balance in life for Super Moms! It makes for poignant reading.
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/10/17/o.overwhelmed.mom.mistake/index.html
rummusers last blog post..Declare Emergency In India
Hi Stacy and ALL,
Great Post! Wow! For me a mother of four I can relate and yet not..
Tired all the time…OH YES…. Because its just part of the being it. The mom has to and get her naps when she can… Bit I don’t think loosing thyself really succints it for me. For it is in loosing oneself that I gained so much more…..For me motherhood is the biggest part of my authentic self! For me it was my greatest blessing being with them. I would trade that for anything. NOT ONE THING! I did creative things all day long.. for me and them and others. There’s a JOY in being a mom that is hard to express. I worked part time at times in these passed 27 years and I really did not feel my authentic self was an issue. Though the trend these days seems to say that all eras previous did not express a multifauceted expression of women. I’m really not on board with that. And the tiredness I really don’t think it expresses that to me… its tiring running around taking care of children or anything for that matter. A guide is being able to be for them first…so that their needs and wants are met. And being in touch with their individual needs. This does not necsarily strip away ones authentic self…That is if you are in agreement with motherhood. The mother’s in my life were not worried about loosing their authentic self, They were excited about giving their selves away in committed projects to better their communities and homes. Some worked full time and others not either way they loved and lived all of it. They gave their time and did not feel a sense of loss. Often the expression was I have no life but my kids. How free is that to be present in that gift of sharing our childrens lives. Rest and recharge definately … if your a mom you are going to need it!
When my eldest was young and I was in college he use to hide my books..? Lucky I found his hiding spot… though I recieved a great lesson that day.. He had one need my undivided attention. What do you want to embrace? Where is your time best lived? What thing is more imprtant than that? SOmethings truly are priceless!!!!
Hi Stacey – Yes, moms do try to do it all and never get full credit for all they accomplish. Taking a nap, when we can, is a great idea. Hope you enjoyed yours.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..Blog Registry – Open Mic
Thank you for the link! 🙂
I don’t have kids either – but know plenty of people who do, and they are overwhelmed and exhausted. I find myself asking “What went wrong”, too. I don’t have an answer.
I think we’ve simply taken on too much – mom’s or not. There was a time when being a mom was enough. And today that is no longer true, or so it seems.
I hope you enjoyed your nap!
Stacey Shipmans last blog post..Blog Action Day: Thoughts on Poverty
As I’m growing older, I can easily feel the tiredness of my body so I learn to allow myself to relax.
Beautiful post Stacey!
Excellent post! As a father of 5 I can totally relate. You offer some practical, useful tips. We so need to strip everything back in our lives and get to the core of what really matters.
During the time when we had 4 children under the age of 6, I felt that my authentic self was completely dead. Not just from the numbers, but children all bring unique challenges, and we have one in particular that takes us to the edge of the parenting cliff quite often. There were times when my wife and I weren’t sure if we were ever going to get our authentic selves or our authentic relationship back. But eventually it came. what did we do. We did some of the things you suggested and they worked. But mostly we just had to ride it out. It was difficult not to be able to see the end of the tunnel, but I’m grateful to be on the bright end rather than in the dark.
This post has so much to offer to parents.
B. Wildes last blog post..Brief Encounters with Miss Addie
hmmm
for me it all seems too simple BUT perhaps thats because Im an older mom? (40 w/a 2 yo)
I long for HER to be unapologetically herself.
if I am NOT how can I urge her to be.
MizFits last blog post..Commenter of the month. The BLOGFREE WONDER which is…
@Davina – Interesting perspective. I know each of my children is a part of me and recognize that this is a precious gift. One-on-one moments, with my children, remind me of this every day.
@Robin – You know I welcome flies in the ointment and I appreciate your perspective.
@Jennifer – Thank you for your honest and open comment. “It makes me wonder if I am unconsciously trying to prevent myself from finding out who I really am.” – That is a powerful statement and honor your strength to write it. I know there is greatness inside of you!
@Brian – Thanks for sharing. Many moms do lose touch with their inner selves. It is my life calling to find sensible and easy ways for moms to gain the right tools to embrace motherhood while also keeping hold of their authentic sense of self.
@Ari – I think many parents with little ones are dealing with this issue. From what I gather, it gets easier as the children grow older. Thanks for sharing the post with your wife.
@Rummuser – Thanks for the link. I saw this episode of Oprah. Something needs to shift in our society so this never happens again!
@Diane – Thanks for your perspective. Being with my children is also one of my greatest blessings and joys. It’s all of the other stuff that comes w/ being a mom (early morning rising, laundry, dishes, tantrums, screaming, messes, etc) that takes a toll on my authentic sense of self. It’s not my children… it’s all the other stuff. My children are my greatest joy – Maybe that wasn’t clear in my post.
@Barbara – Thanks. I hope you are able to find time for naps too!
@Stacey Shipman – Thanks for sharing your perspective. Sometimes it feels like our society is in overdrive and we all need to remember to just slow down.
@BC – Me too. I recognize feeling tired all the time has a lot to do with aging.
@B. Wilde – Yes! Nicely stated… “We so need to strip everything back in our lives and get to the core of what really matters.”
@MizFit – Happy to hear you find parenthood to be “simple”. Let us know your tricks! My two year old does a fabulous job at simply being two!
Stacy,
You were clear.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I was one who asked for it after reading your interview with Lance. I think the exhaustion happens whether you go the high powered career route or try to carve out a flexible work part-time for yourself option, like I have. I really thought by not trying to be super woman I;d be fine, but it hasn’t worked out that way. I get exhausted sometimes just from being a bit depressed at how much my life has changed and how conflicted I feel about juggling my own dreams with the needs of my child.
I think the problem comes from all the giving and trying to filter yourself through the needs of others first. Particularly when those “other people” are kids who are utterly dependent on you. Obviously I am speaking from the perspective of someone who has a son under the age of 5. I’m hoping kids take less energy as they get older and more independent. No one disillusion me please. I couldn’t take it!
I also think the way we approach motherhood is a contributing factor to how hard we find the balancing act. I do have friends (only a couple) whose moms were satisfied career women and they didn’t feel that they missed out because of that, so they also have an inherent sense that mothering needs to be balanced with one’s self. Then there are those of us whose moms did everything and let themselves come last, and while we may think that is unacceptable, somehow we fall into a pattern which is not too dissimilar. Or we judge ourselves because we’re not baking cookies like momma did.
What can I say, I have a lot of struggles with this area. I think it might have to do with the fact that my mother left when I was a child, so I find it very hard to kick that sense that I must do everything right. That I must be perfect so my son knows just how much I love him and that he will always come first.
Of course, knowing this has so far proved no use at all in helping me get some balance in this area.
Looking forward to more on this, Stacey.
Kelly
@Diane – Thank you Diane. Your comment helped me clarify the pieces of motherhood that make me exhausted. I truly appreciate the comment you left (and hope you continue to leave more thought provoking comments on CreateaBalance.com).
@Kelly – Thank you for this personal and honest comment. I just added a note on top of this post explaining that you are indeed the inspiration for this post. That was my intention from the first draft of this post, so thanks for the reminder. I honor your words and truly believe other moms will be uplifted from your story. I think just knowing we aren’t alone on the motherhood journey is powerful. I’d imagine there are millions of women feeling conflicted about juggling their own dreams with the needs of their child. Maybe women just don’t talk about this conflict. It is time we all started talking more about this!
Lance and Stacy are both awesome! This is such a good healthy read…fantastic…thanks you!
Ms last blog post..What on Earth Could be Better Than Getting in Shape?
Thank you for putting this into words. As someone who is hopefully going to have children soon, it helps me to be able to keep myself in mind throughout each process along the way.
Jennys last blog post..Moments
Hey Stacy! I get my energy from my children now that they are no longer a toddler. I know when they are at school I am less productive than when they are home. I can totally relate to being tired. I cannot imagine starting over again. This was a great post.
Tammy Warrens last blog post..Unspectacular Quirks
@M – Thanks!
@Jenny – Thanks. I truly hope I’m making a difference in the world by sharing my words and passions.
@Tammy – Thanks. This morning I sat on the sofa with both of my little ones wrapped in my arms. I am going to miss them being little. It is exhausting, but so so precious.
I think we should always seek all things authentic about ourselves whether we are parents or not, as all planes life are “authentic.” I am not even sure why there would be a debate about this.
@Jannie – Thanks for joining the conversation.
Great post, good learning for new mom to be…thanks Stacey
@Charm6781_Yatie – Welcome to CreateaBalance.com. I hope you continue to be part of the community. I love the concept of your OutLoud business and will visit soon to learn more.
Thanks for the free info, good blog and I will be back again.